the last reason you want to be home

I’m trying to intersperse silly posts with serious posts in this blog. It’s sort of a method I’m attempting in my own life too- I’m aiming for a mix of fun and distracting activities (playing with puppies, watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) versus digging into the grief activities (journaling, listening to Amy Winehouse). I seem to’ve hit this phase where I just get… sad around 12:30 every night and stay up late doing… nothing. (And eating carbs). I guess it’s serving some kind of purpose in my life right now?

Let’s rewind in time, when I was in the weird place when I knew my cousin was gone but hadn’t gone home for the funeral yet. (And knew I’d had a breakup but hadn’t had the We Are Never Ever Ever getting back together conversation).

My friends were great. A girl from my program treated me to lunch at the delicious Sandwhich. I got their lunch box!

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The BEST TUNA SANDWICH I’ve ever had (line caught tuna, super fresh tuna salad made with lots of crunchy and flavorful veggies), a bowl of squash-potato-maple soup, chips (only had a few- more of a sugar than salt girl- but they were yummy and homemade), free little pickled carrots.

Aaaand…

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Yusss.

I did a lot of wandering around town. The deer in this place are just so unconcerned, eh?

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On my rambles I often come upon Weaver Street Market and realize I haven’t eaten anything in nutritious (I went through a few days there where pouches of cookie dough played a big role, oy). So I get hot bar for my serving of produce.

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From 9:00- shredded raw beet salad with cilantro (mm), roasted cauliflower, hummus, Mexican style beans, sautéed carrots and fennel and leek (mm), and super fresh and nice strawberries. Plus a lemon and lime Sweet Leaf (I always think about Austin when I drink Sweet Leaf, since they’re based there).

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On the cooking front, lots of comfort food. Also cleaning out the fridge kinds of things. In this particular instance, I threw into the crockpot:

– Leftover whole grains that I’d made in bigger batches and thrown in the freezer (farro, steel cut oats)
– Leftover Pacific mushroom soup
– Leftover bottles of wine, hahaha.
– carrots

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Ended up serving this with a mushroom gravy on top.

Then when it was Super Bowl Sunday, and I had no participation whatsoever in any football related activities, I decided I did want to experience the best of the Superbowl experience, which is of course dip.

I made a pretty healthy spinach dip (spinach, garlic, lotsa greek yogurt, dill, light jarlsberg cheese from trader joes) and ate it with wheat thins for dinner.

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And of course, there always have to be days like this (getting refreshment at my favorite coffee shop)

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Then I went home. Oy. I got to this picture and I took a break in writing this blog post. As I’m writing this now I’m getting ready to go home for Spring Break and actively reminding myself that home isn’t just a place i go to be sad, it’s also where everyone I love is. And that’s how it was going home for Chris’s funeral… everyone I loved was there. And the reason they were there was awful.

I (I say I, but really my mother, because I slept in the day of the funeral and woke up and she’d already made the dough!) made koulourakia, traditional Greek cookies.

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It’s often nice to do something with your hands at time like these. And, inevitably, it makes me feel connected to my grandmother.

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As I worked on the cookies, Sheila supervised. I guess my laptop case smells like me and this is an indication of love?

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Then there was the funeral. Sigh. My uncle delivered the eulogy. Uncle of the cousin who passed away, but also father of a son who he had to bury a few years back. My family seems to’ve gotten an unfair quantity of tragedy. The uncle who delivered the eulogy talked about how there’s this cultural narrative that we’re supposed to get “closure” and move on after death, and how it’s fine to politely accept kind words from people urging you to do so, and then ignore them. When you lose someone you love, there’s a hole in your life in the shape of them and it doesn’t close, nor should it. Instead you try to see them and their spirit and how it persists. He mentioned the thought of driving along and seeing a young man in a truck, pulled over, patiently explaining to a cop how he was in the right, hahaha.

I went to yoga last week for the first time since all the craziness began, and had kind of an intense experience. We were done with the flow and going into shivasana, and the teacher came and did that wonderful thing where he cradles the base of your skull in his hands and gently stretches your neck, leaving you comfily lying down for the rest period of the class. And I think there was something about being touched in a healing, comforting way by another human being (and obviously my friends love me and stuff, but it’s different, when you end a relationship, than the kind of touch you get from a romantic partner) and something about the release of the tension in my body… I started crying. In yoga class. As one does.

I thought about the nature of matter and energy, and about what happens when someone you love dies. There’s all the love you had for them, and all the love they have for you, and… it just has to go somewhere, right? It can’t just disappear. It was comforting (and sad) for me to think about all the great things about Chris, all the people he cared about, all the good he did (and the potential for future good- does that go somewhere too?)

Anyway, it was a quick trip home, and a sad one, and I ended up getting a pretty bad headache the last night at home and extending my trip for one last night, leaving early the next day. I needed some calories and caffeine at a certain point in the trip, and stopped at Cracker Barrel for oatmeal and coffee.

And, whimsy interjection: I got it down to one nail on the first try! (Love this game).

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Then my sweet classmate, the one who gets everyone birthday cake and made autumn caramel apples, heard about my troubles gave me the cutest card. Love the Nutrition department 🙂

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